I happened to pass by my grandmother’s house on my way home yesterday. Just the sight of that house, which once had me spending so much time in had me stop in my tracks undecided whether I should just continue walking on or to stop by. It seemed so recent when we’d just shared a mid-morning meal of dim-sum when a month’s worth of sunsets had already gone by.
It has been too long, my mind told me and so, my feet started towards the direction of the house. But not more than 3 steps along, as if with a will of its own, my feet stopped and turned back. What do you do, and what do you say to your grandmother who’s slowly dying? In an ideal world, one would desire to spend as much time as possible with loved ones before passing on but in reality, what does a person do when actually spending time with a loved one who’s body is slowly being ravaged by cancer?
Would suddenly showing up and giving her a nice long hug forewarn her that something is going on? Or would it make saying goodbye even harder?
J advised me recently that I should spend more time with her because she regretted not having done so when she had the chance to. Deep down, I know I will regret when all is too late but I’m not too sure I have the courage to action so that there won’t be any regrets when the time comes.
So I chose to walk away yet again. I kept looking back.
Hoping that she wouldn’t happen to look out and see me turning my back on her.
Posted by j on September 7, 2009 at 9:08 pm
just go see her at least once soon? you’ll realise how much happier it’ll make her and you. much as there is sadness in being at the place, you will feel much lighter inside instead. you’ll know really.
i’m only being insistent and saying this because i know how much she means to you. don’t give me excuses about work. work will always be there, much as you hate to hear this, your grandma wouldn’t be.
love xxx